tashadeguzman

26 years, and it's only just now that my path in life is becoming clearer to me. i'm not saying i won't change my mind again, but the things that has been happening to me now, were my thoughts when i was 18. not a particularly joyful experience as my 18 year old thoughts was a pool of chaos, albeit a sunny one. it wasn't that i didn't know what to do. i had everything planned out, the problem being is that obligations of a 26-year old, and an 18-year old one are two different things.

alot of my friends are getting maried, or if not that, they already have a long-term relationship to boast of, or even kids. my concern is that i am not jealous at all. i don't see myself as this traditional person who graduates college, gets up on the corporate ladder, gets married, has kids, grows old and dies. in fact, my priorities are still that of my 18-year old self; only the obligations have changed. and in this sense, no one ever really grows old, unless they forget what it is like. i still have my dreams of travelling, and of learning; And getting married and having kids can't even get a foothold to make an appearance in my near-future plans.

another thing is my uneasiness to actually nurture relationships. i don't keep it a secret that i'm very bad at keeping in touch with my friends, and i am mostly alone. and i've been doing it since i was in grade school, now that i think back on it. i love meeting new people, i love getting to know them. i love to see how they carry themselves. but in the end, i drop out of their lives. the closest thing i have of having best friends was in high school. and i think i've just succesfully destroyed this rather frail tie of friendship i have with them. i cannot claim to know anyone intimately. i don't think anyone can say that about me either. i am frankly all over the place. my problems are unloaded to a whole array of people whom i don't really speak to again. the only thing i find weird is the number of facebook friends i have. i must be an all-around interesting person at one time or another.

i am not at all in a hurry to become a licensed architect. i don't care much about money, sure it would be nice, but so far it hasn't gotten me into its evil clutches of greed and ambition. people can see this in two ways, if they will look at it in an employer's perspective: A) i will be a lousy employee because i am not hungry for money and will therefore have a greater tendency to have another life to live than that in the office, or B) i will be a meticulous practitioner and passionate lover of my craft because i am not hungry for money and will therefore execute everything i do with care and discipline.

either way, i don't have any long-term plans of staying here anyway, i will stay long enough to have my tools ready. and then my only goal will be to travel and to learn. i will learn to cook, and learn every language i possibly can, i'll design and build, i'll write. ah, that's the dream. thankfully i don't have any baggage at all to speak off, except my family whom are all well. i wonder if i was wired wrong or if everybody else are just hindered by real-world problems to pursue this particular dream.

some people used to tease me that i was a loner, now i can admit that without being hurt or ashamed cause i've learned not to judge this particular aspect of myself. and besides, everyone else is alone when you really think about it, so why should i care.

Currently listening to: ella me levanto
Currently reading: 4 books